November 17, 2017

Why He Won’t Marry You

why he won't marry youYou’ve been dating, in a relationship, or engaged for some time now.   Maybe even for a few years.  You get along great with his mom and your mom loves him.  You know you should be Mrs. “His Last Name” by now.  But you’re not! You want that ring, that white gown and that wedding sooo bad!  You’re fed up with shacking up, waiting,  and hinting.   You’re starting to believe that you will never see the promised land with this guy, and you are probably right.  Well let me give you five reasons why:

  1. You haven’t required him to marry you.  I love this quote from Steve Harvey!  As women, we want to give, give, give!  And a man will take, take, take!  Some men, well most men, are perfectly happy letting things stay as they are.  If you do not set a standard, and do not uphold that standard, chances are he won’t be putting a ring on it.  And if you’re already shacked up, friends with benefits, unmarried with kids…well, why should he ?  That is NOT a rhetorical question.  You’ve given him everything for little to nothing in return.  He also knows that you want to get married but will not push the issue because you don’t want to lose him.  He’s got you by the tatas and he knows it. 
  2. He isn’t over his ex.   Some guys have “the one that got away” syndrome.  There was one girl before you who truly had his heart.  When the relationship ended, it devastated him.  Instead of taking time to heal, he suppressed his  heartbreak and rebounded with you.  Maybe you weren’t the first bounce off the backboard, but believe me, you’re most likely a rebound.  He’s probably discussed this heartbreak with you.   And if you aren’t his second chance, you will always be second string in his heart. 
  3. He’s scarred from divorce.  Asking a divorced man if he wants to marry is one of the FIRST questions you should ask BEFORE you start to get serious.  If you’ve never been married, you will never know the toll divorce takes on you.  Long term relationships and shack ups do NOT compare to marriage.  Divorce hurts like hell.  It goes much deeper than being in love with an ex.  It hurts because you have to detach yourself spiritually.  You have to break the bond that God commanded you to honor forever.  Your vows, which you took before family and friends, have been nullified by the judge in your county court.  If the divorce didn’t end amicably, you have to deal with the bitterness and resentment that will develop.  I haven’t even touched on the kids, property, or finances that may be in the mix.  Men, who don’t deal with their emotions very well, will just move on to the next pretty thing that catches their attention.  But will SWEAR to family and friends that they will never get married again.  What I find funny is most women who are with divorced men KNOW this and choose to ignore it.  Is this you?  Do you think you can change his mind?  How long have you guys been together again?  Good luck with that.
  4. You’re not marriage material.  I’m going to be brutally honest here.  Sometimes a guy knows exactly what he wants.  In my Evelyn Lozada voice, “You just ain’t it boo boo”.  You’re just someone he happened to like, happened to be attracted to, happened to sleep with and happened to end up with.  But in his American dream, the woman he envisioned as his wife, is somewhat different from you or your complete opposite. Men know the difference between convenience and love.   You’re what’s convenient.  He will never tell you this!  Here’s food for thought: if while arguing he says something like,” You don’t  have any ambition, you’re selfish, you don’t cook or clean, I can’t trust you, you’re irresponsible…,” those are some of the reasons why he hasn’t married you yet.  He just doesn’t see you as that woman worthy of taking those vows for.
  5. He doesn’t want to be married.  Unlike reasons 1-4, this dude just doesn’t want to be tied down.  He isn’t scorned, he isn’t afraid of failing at marriage again, he knows you’re a good woman and he knows you are serious about marriage.  He’s going to stall you for as long he can.  After your umpteenth ultimatum, he’ll finally propose and even buy you a ring.  Then he’ll probably not set a date or wait till you guys argue and use the argument as an excuse to reconsider marriage.  Want to know why? Maybe he still feel like he still has some running around to do.  Maybe he has a dream of making a guys’ Hangover home video or some lewd fantasy with midgets, strippers or both.  Maybe in his heart he knows he’s not marriage material, but just wants you for himself. Bottom line is, he won’t be asking you to marry him because doesn’t want to be married.  In the words of my deceased grandmother Fibbie Mae Middlebrook, “You have to let a man want you”.  When he wants you, he will treat you differently.  He will do what needs to be done.  Real men build homes!

Do You Attract The Wrong Types of People?

What Looks Good To You May Not Always Be Good For You

Earlier this week, I watched Dividing Rod, an episode of Criminal Minds.  The main character was a woman who was told by her father that she had the ability to attract the evil in men.  Unknowingly, she married a serial killer.  She visited him faithfully even though he was arrested and sentenced to death. A prison guard became obsessed with her acts of devotion.  He wanted her to be as devoted to him as she was to her husband.  After the serial killer’s execution, the guard started killing in the same exact manner.  Unlike the husband, the guard cut chunks of hair from his victims’ heads. He used the hair to create a hand made wig because she’d lost hers during chemo treatments.  Weird huh?

But it got me thinking about how some people always end up with the same type of guys or girls only to have their hearts broken.  I’m sure you know Ms. Broken Record, a beautiful, smart girl who always seems to get played, then takes her whoremonger back repeatedly.  You’ve heard her story so many times you can finish her sentences!  And what about Mr. Nice Guy? He always seem to date hellish women, cheats or gold-diggers.  No matter how many times you point out to him that he’s attracted to those types of women, sure enough, his next girlfriend looks just like the last one.

Is there a majestic, supernatural power that people have on one another?  Spiritual leaders say yes.  Juanita Bynum, a renowned author and televangelist, said in her famous No More Sheets presentation, that people carry spirits and energies on them that attract the very thing they don’t want.  It happens because something about a person isn’t in order and those attracted to them can sense it.

I’ve asked myself, do some people seem to attract bad people, or  do they bring out the very worst in the people they attract?  I don’t know what to make of it.  I do believe people are magnets for certain types of traits.  I also believe that some people have the spirit of prey and the spirit of predator.  In other words, one can appear to be an easy target, and the other, who looks to take advantage, can and will sniff out prey!

I thought it was ironic that confirmation of supernatural attraction came from that show.  At the very end when the guard was caught, the “dividing rod” actually visited him.  Even though she had nothing to do with the murders, she recognized that something within her was partially responsible.  When she visited him, she gave him this weird smile and told him she had “accepted her gift”.

And what about you?  Are you stuck in a repetitive cycle of dating the wrong types of people? Do you like the bad boys or hard to get girls? Do you seek them out or do they find you?  Are you aware of type of people you attract, and after learning you two aren’t compatible, pursue a relationship anyway? Let me know your thoughts!

 

Better Body, Better Lover?

Courtesy of jimmythomas.com

 

Does having biceps, triceps, a six-pack, and buns of steel really make you better in the bedroom?  According to Men’s Health Editor-in-Chief and New York Times Best Selling Author David Zinczenko, it can!

Why?  Because looking good gives you confidence.  When you are confident, you’re more apt to explore and take risks. The  Men, Love and Sex author says to women, “The better you feel about your body, the more you’ll do with ours!”

At first I thought this was a crock of you know what, but then I thought about the confidence factor.  When we are confident about the way we look we are more assertive, even aggressive, in all we do.  We know when we get our hair, nails, and toes done, find a pair of smoking hot heels and a fly fit…our inner Sasha Fierce is unleashed!  Looking good naked  can only give us more moxy!

As I read more of the, “What Does He Really Think About Your Body?” chapter, I was even more surprised at the results from a poll.  58 percent of 5,000 men said that intelligence was sexier than a great body!  So what does all that mean?  You guessed it, men are harder to figure out than we could ever imagine!

Seriously though, it shows that beauty starts within.  If you are a woman of intelligence and confidence, you are already sexy.  AND, an intelligent woman would want to lead a healthy lifestyle, not only to “look good” but to feel good as well.  When you are in shape and eat healthy, your energy level increases, as does your libido!

To close, you really don’t need a better body to be a better lover.  But you do need confidence.  I know plenty of confident people who are overweight and confident in themselves.  But I also know that plenty struggle with how they look in the buff and are afraid to try new things based on those  insecurities.  If you find yourself in that category (hand raised high), you know what to do.  Speaking of which, the gym awaits me!

Happy Healthy Living,

-KB

Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Woman

Being yourself never gets old!

Let them pursue you - Courtsey of Getty Images

Let me say this: I’m a huge fan of Steve Harvey’s book and I think the movie was funny and done in great taste.  However, I do not believe ladies need to think like men to get a man.   We do need to consider one key concept in the book: setting standards.  Our problem is, even if we have standards, we don’t use them.  Dating without standards is like making a cake with no flour.  What you get is a complete mess!

If you haven’t read the book, you should. It’s an excellent, humorous and informative read.  Let me let you in on a little secret though…it’s nothing new!  Your grandmother, great-grandmother, church elder, and get this…your BIBLE will tell you the same things Steve did.  He just put it in a matter-of-factly sort of way.  I’m about to go biblical on you for a minute so that you get where Steve was coming from.  Some of you didn’t go to church on Sunday anyway, so here’s your Sunday school lesson:

Men haven’t changed much since the days of Adam.  Although men were created to lead, they will forsake all they know for a woman.  They work out, play sports, work, dress, lie, cry, and live to impress women.  The problem is that we women have made “the cookie” too available.   We’ve morphed into modern-day Jezebels, abandoning the virtues of Rachel and Ruth.  Rachel and Ruth were pursued by their men, and didn’t need a book or movie to attract them.  In fact, they did nothing!  They allowed men to do what they were made to do, and that was to find a wife (Proverbs 18:22).

By injecting ourselves into the process, we’ve allowed men to become lazy and non-committal.  Now our “Eve” nature is to be controlling and tell a man what to do (see Genesis chapter 3), and because of her sin, we bear her curse.  Painful childbirth isn’t the only thing we inherited, we also carry her controlling nature.  We were designed to help and accompany, not control or scheme.  God never intended for women to put men through college, find them jobs, do their homework, give them sex prior to marriage, be their side pieces, jump offs, friends with benefits or go half on ANYTHING.    We too, have conformed to lying, crying, working, dressing, working out and living to impress men.  And as we all know, it doesn’t matter how good you look, how good your sex is or how nice you are when it comes to keeping a man.  1 Peter chapter 3 states that inner beauty will make us beautiful, and that our virtues will make us attractive.  Virtuous women have standards (see Proverbs 31).

Another theme in Harvey’s book rings true “A man defines himself by what he makes, what he has and who he is.  In the movie, I love how each male character changed for the better.  Not because their women prodded them, but because they were left alone to think about what they truly wanted.  Once they became aware of self and what they needed to fix, they were husband material.  Relationships will always be difficult for a man who isn’t sure of who he is or what he wants.  Notice I said MAN.  Men who have no goals, nothing to call their own, no purpose or no work ethic aren’t men; they’re still boys.  See Project Boo post for details on these type of guys.

As good as the movie was (yes I’m still thinking about Michael licking Taraji’s knees and that good cooking), in real life, the turn around time isn’t that fast.  That “wait and see” method doesn’t work, and neither does taking on the role of his mother!  In short, if you have a man who doesn’t have his stuff together, there isn’t much you can do.  Thinking like a man won’t help.  What will help, is you setting and sticking to your standards, even if that means being by yourself.  Stop this main chick, side piece, dime piece, wifey, bed buddy madness.  Act like a lady and think like one!

Stop The Soulmate Search

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Boy and girl meet. Boy and girl fall in love at first sight, get married and live happily after after. We’ve been taught to believe that when we are ready we will find our soulmate. If only it were that simple! Those of us who’ve been at it a while know it’s not that easy.

In the game of love most of us are on the bench. Not because we can’t play, but because we are waiting on the perfect match. We want someone who can finish our sentences and whose heart ticks at the same BPM. So we’re on the soulmate search, and nothing else will do.

News flash: THERE IS NO SUCH THING! By no means am I saying I don’t believe in compatibility, or have I given up on love. Before you write me off as a bitter spinster, let me explain why:

The Origin of The Soul Mate Theory

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The idea of a soulmate originates from
various religions. Most commonly in greek mythology and theosophy, ancient humans had multiple limbs and faces. Due to disobedience and fear, the Creator (Zeus in greek mythology) split in them half, damning them to wander around looking for their missing parts.

Today we use this theory in our romantic lives, by searching for our other half to feel whole. This type of thinking concerns me because a person should already feel complete prior to settling down. Too often, people enter relationships unprepared, expecting the other person to balance them out. I believe that if you enter a relationship well-rounded and open-minded, you won’t be in need of anything. Any addition would be a complement to the already complete package!

If I am to believe in a soulmate I have to believe in the origin, and I don’t believe half of me is wondering around looking for…me! I do believe we all have a purpose in life, and the people we decide to share our lives with will compare and contrast with who we currently are. The differences will keep us balanced, sharpening and changing us for the better. The commonalities serve as a foundation which will evolve over time, kind of like fine wine!

I also feel that the belief of a soulmate gives a preconceived notion that little effort is required after meeting. Relationships are like farming; if you do not cultivate the land, the crops will surely die! The main reason divorce rates are so high now is because instead of hunkering down, we abandon ship faster than Cpt. Francesco Schettino!

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If you look at the above statistics, most of us date with the soul mate standard in mind. In my humble opinion, this is another cause of failed relationships and marriages. When we find our mates aren’t perfect, we feel they aren’t perfect for us. We fail to realize that we are all “under construction”, therefore we need to work collectively and individually to sustain significant relationships.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a Jerry McGuire type of love? Realistically, most of us will never have our life-long partners at “hello”. We have to captivate them with our character and keep them with our commitment. If we nix the soulmate search and increase our loyalty, we will find that the beauty in a relationship is not in finding our missing half, but in growing together to make what we have work.

I’ll close by sharing my tweet from earlier today, “Don’t live to find your soulmate, instead, work to be the heart and soul of your mate!”