September 26, 2017

Why He Won’t Marry You

why he won't marry youYou’ve been dating, in a relationship, or engaged for some time now.   Maybe even for a few years.  You get along great with his mom and your mom loves him.  You know you should be Mrs. “His Last Name” by now.  But you’re not! You want that ring, that white gown and that wedding sooo bad!  You’re fed up with shacking up, waiting,  and hinting.   You’re starting to believe that you will never see the promised land with this guy, and you are probably right.  Well let me give you five reasons why:

  1. You haven’t required him to marry you.  I love this quote from Steve Harvey!  As women, we want to give, give, give!  And a man will take, take, take!  Some men, well most men, are perfectly happy letting things stay as they are.  If you do not set a standard, and do not uphold that standard, chances are he won’t be putting a ring on it.  And if you’re already shacked up, friends with benefits, unmarried with kids…well, why should he ?  That is NOT a rhetorical question.  You’ve given him everything for little to nothing in return.  He also knows that you want to get married but will not push the issue because you don’t want to lose him.  He’s got you by the tatas and he knows it. 
  2. He isn’t over his ex.   Some guys have “the one that got away” syndrome.  There was one girl before you who truly had his heart.  When the relationship ended, it devastated him.  Instead of taking time to heal, he suppressed his  heartbreak and rebounded with you.  Maybe you weren’t the first bounce off the backboard, but believe me, you’re most likely a rebound.  He’s probably discussed this heartbreak with you.   And if you aren’t his second chance, you will always be second string in his heart. 
  3. He’s scarred from divorce.  Asking a divorced man if he wants to marry is one of the FIRST questions you should ask BEFORE you start to get serious.  If you’ve never been married, you will never know the toll divorce takes on you.  Long term relationships and shack ups do NOT compare to marriage.  Divorce hurts like hell.  It goes much deeper than being in love with an ex.  It hurts because you have to detach yourself spiritually.  You have to break the bond that God commanded you to honor forever.  Your vows, which you took before family and friends, have been nullified by the judge in your county court.  If the divorce didn’t end amicably, you have to deal with the bitterness and resentment that will develop.  I haven’t even touched on the kids, property, or finances that may be in the mix.  Men, who don’t deal with their emotions very well, will just move on to the next pretty thing that catches their attention.  But will SWEAR to family and friends that they will never get married again.  What I find funny is most women who are with divorced men KNOW this and choose to ignore it.  Is this you?  Do you think you can change his mind?  How long have you guys been together again?  Good luck with that.
  4. You’re not marriage material.  I’m going to be brutally honest here.  Sometimes a guy knows exactly what he wants.  In my Evelyn Lozada voice, “You just ain’t it boo boo”.  You’re just someone he happened to like, happened to be attracted to, happened to sleep with and happened to end up with.  But in his American dream, the woman he envisioned as his wife, is somewhat different from you or your complete opposite. Men know the difference between convenience and love.   You’re what’s convenient.  He will never tell you this!  Here’s food for thought: if while arguing he says something like,” You don’t  have any ambition, you’re selfish, you don’t cook or clean, I can’t trust you, you’re irresponsible…,” those are some of the reasons why he hasn’t married you yet.  He just doesn’t see you as that woman worthy of taking those vows for.
  5. He doesn’t want to be married.  Unlike reasons 1-4, this dude just doesn’t want to be tied down.  He isn’t scorned, he isn’t afraid of failing at marriage again, he knows you’re a good woman and he knows you are serious about marriage.  He’s going to stall you for as long he can.  After your umpteenth ultimatum, he’ll finally propose and even buy you a ring.  Then he’ll probably not set a date or wait till you guys argue and use the argument as an excuse to reconsider marriage.  Want to know why? Maybe he still feel like he still has some running around to do.  Maybe he has a dream of making a guys’ Hangover home video or some lewd fantasy with midgets, strippers or both.  Maybe in his heart he knows he’s not marriage material, but just wants you for himself. Bottom line is, he won’t be asking you to marry him because doesn’t want to be married.  In the words of my deceased grandmother Fibbie Mae Middlebrook, “You have to let a man want you”.  When he wants you, he will treat you differently.  He will do what needs to be done.  Real men build homes!

Better Body, Better Lover?

Courtesy of jimmythomas.com

 

Does having biceps, triceps, a six-pack, and buns of steel really make you better in the bedroom?  According to Men’s Health Editor-in-Chief and New York Times Best Selling Author David Zinczenko, it can!

Why?  Because looking good gives you confidence.  When you are confident, you’re more apt to explore and take risks. The  Men, Love and Sex author says to women, “The better you feel about your body, the more you’ll do with ours!”

At first I thought this was a crock of you know what, but then I thought about the confidence factor.  When we are confident about the way we look we are more assertive, even aggressive, in all we do.  We know when we get our hair, nails, and toes done, find a pair of smoking hot heels and a fly fit…our inner Sasha Fierce is unleashed!  Looking good naked  can only give us more moxy!

As I read more of the, “What Does He Really Think About Your Body?” chapter, I was even more surprised at the results from a poll.  58 percent of 5,000 men said that intelligence was sexier than a great body!  So what does all that mean?  You guessed it, men are harder to figure out than we could ever imagine!

Seriously though, it shows that beauty starts within.  If you are a woman of intelligence and confidence, you are already sexy.  AND, an intelligent woman would want to lead a healthy lifestyle, not only to “look good” but to feel good as well.  When you are in shape and eat healthy, your energy level increases, as does your libido!

To close, you really don’t need a better body to be a better lover.  But you do need confidence.  I know plenty of confident people who are overweight and confident in themselves.  But I also know that plenty struggle with how they look in the buff and are afraid to try new things based on those  insecurities.  If you find yourself in that category (hand raised high), you know what to do.  Speaking of which, the gym awaits me!

Happy Healthy Living,

-KB

The Skinny on Being Skinny

Me and two tall class bikini competitors at Universe Weekend

My friend and I went to the Universe fitness competition in Miami this past weekend. I must say, I enjoyed myself thoroughly! Other than being around hundreds of folks that reminded me that I still have a long way to go to reach my fitness goals, I really was inspired by the people who were competing. Military men and women, firefighters, teachers, physical therapists, former athletes and Olympians were all there, showcasing their physiques for the world to see. There were several “biggest loser” success stories, from women and men losing over 100 pounds, to first time competitors over the age of 35, to grandmothers! I only watched the bikini and model competitions so I missed out on the eye candy for ladies. Sorry! But I did get a glimpse of a few men in the model competition.

Men – Model Competition

Last year’s model universe winner

My major take-away was the information I learned at a seminar held by nationally known fitness trainer and model, Jennifer Nicole Lee. Her personal story is amazing! She lost over 80 pounds AFTER the birth of her two children. Instead of talking about herself most of the time (like most famous people do when giving “how to” presentations), she talked about brand building and being your own publicist. Her insightfulness was refreshing, as her information was not only fitness focused, but for anyone interested in being their own boss.

At the end of the seminar a protegé of hers by the name of Nissa Salas shared her weight loss story. She’d lost over 100 pounds after having life saving surgery to remove a tumor. Not only did she use her tragedy for triumph, she also used it to launch a side career. It was inspiring to hear from women who had not only conquered their battle with obesity, but are using their personal victories to encourage others to do the same.

So what do they do to lose weight and look great? Well, nothing you haven’t heard before. They diet and exercise. They make their eating habits a way of life. They make sacrifices, like making time for exercise and getting enough rest. After Friday’s competition, most of the competitors headed to their rooms to prepare for the next day. The ones who hung out in the hotel lounge were rarely drinking. The few that were, weren’t getting hammered. And surprisingly, they were a close-knit group. They were encouraging each other and were rooting for each other, in spite of competing agaist each other!

In short, these people work extremely hard to maintain their physiques. Being in shape, or being “skinny” isn’t easy, especially with age. Genetics may play a part, but only a select few are that lucky. Most of them will tell you they work extremely hard and consistently eat well. So when those lights come on, they earn the right to flex!

Bikini Tall Class

Back view – Bikini Tall Class

Group Photo – Model Competition

Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Woman

Being yourself never gets old!

Let them pursue you - Courtsey of Getty Images

Let me say this: I’m a huge fan of Steve Harvey’s book and I think the movie was funny and done in great taste.  However, I do not believe ladies need to think like men to get a man.   We do need to consider one key concept in the book: setting standards.  Our problem is, even if we have standards, we don’t use them.  Dating without standards is like making a cake with no flour.  What you get is a complete mess!

If you haven’t read the book, you should. It’s an excellent, humorous and informative read.  Let me let you in on a little secret though…it’s nothing new!  Your grandmother, great-grandmother, church elder, and get this…your BIBLE will tell you the same things Steve did.  He just put it in a matter-of-factly sort of way.  I’m about to go biblical on you for a minute so that you get where Steve was coming from.  Some of you didn’t go to church on Sunday anyway, so here’s your Sunday school lesson:

Men haven’t changed much since the days of Adam.  Although men were created to lead, they will forsake all they know for a woman.  They work out, play sports, work, dress, lie, cry, and live to impress women.  The problem is that we women have made “the cookie” too available.   We’ve morphed into modern-day Jezebels, abandoning the virtues of Rachel and Ruth.  Rachel and Ruth were pursued by their men, and didn’t need a book or movie to attract them.  In fact, they did nothing!  They allowed men to do what they were made to do, and that was to find a wife (Proverbs 18:22).

By injecting ourselves into the process, we’ve allowed men to become lazy and non-committal.  Now our “Eve” nature is to be controlling and tell a man what to do (see Genesis chapter 3), and because of her sin, we bear her curse.  Painful childbirth isn’t the only thing we inherited, we also carry her controlling nature.  We were designed to help and accompany, not control or scheme.  God never intended for women to put men through college, find them jobs, do their homework, give them sex prior to marriage, be their side pieces, jump offs, friends with benefits or go half on ANYTHING.    We too, have conformed to lying, crying, working, dressing, working out and living to impress men.  And as we all know, it doesn’t matter how good you look, how good your sex is or how nice you are when it comes to keeping a man.  1 Peter chapter 3 states that inner beauty will make us beautiful, and that our virtues will make us attractive.  Virtuous women have standards (see Proverbs 31).

Another theme in Harvey’s book rings true “A man defines himself by what he makes, what he has and who he is.  In the movie, I love how each male character changed for the better.  Not because their women prodded them, but because they were left alone to think about what they truly wanted.  Once they became aware of self and what they needed to fix, they were husband material.  Relationships will always be difficult for a man who isn’t sure of who he is or what he wants.  Notice I said MAN.  Men who have no goals, nothing to call their own, no purpose or no work ethic aren’t men; they’re still boys.  See Project Boo post for details on these type of guys.

As good as the movie was (yes I’m still thinking about Michael licking Taraji’s knees and that good cooking), in real life, the turn around time isn’t that fast.  That “wait and see” method doesn’t work, and neither does taking on the role of his mother!  In short, if you have a man who doesn’t have his stuff together, there isn’t much you can do.  Thinking like a man won’t help.  What will help, is you setting and sticking to your standards, even if that means being by yourself.  Stop this main chick, side piece, dime piece, wifey, bed buddy madness.  Act like a lady and think like one!

Stop The Soulmate Search

20120315-122028.jpg

Boy and girl meet. Boy and girl fall in love at first sight, get married and live happily after after. We’ve been taught to believe that when we are ready we will find our soulmate. If only it were that simple! Those of us who’ve been at it a while know it’s not that easy.

In the game of love most of us are on the bench. Not because we can’t play, but because we are waiting on the perfect match. We want someone who can finish our sentences and whose heart ticks at the same BPM. So we’re on the soulmate search, and nothing else will do.

News flash: THERE IS NO SUCH THING! By no means am I saying I don’t believe in compatibility, or have I given up on love. Before you write me off as a bitter spinster, let me explain why:

The Origin of The Soul Mate Theory

20120315-113810.jpg

The idea of a soulmate originates from
various religions. Most commonly in greek mythology and theosophy, ancient humans had multiple limbs and faces. Due to disobedience and fear, the Creator (Zeus in greek mythology) split in them half, damning them to wander around looking for their missing parts.

Today we use this theory in our romantic lives, by searching for our other half to feel whole. This type of thinking concerns me because a person should already feel complete prior to settling down. Too often, people enter relationships unprepared, expecting the other person to balance them out. I believe that if you enter a relationship well-rounded and open-minded, you won’t be in need of anything. Any addition would be a complement to the already complete package!

If I am to believe in a soulmate I have to believe in the origin, and I don’t believe half of me is wondering around looking for…me! I do believe we all have a purpose in life, and the people we decide to share our lives with will compare and contrast with who we currently are. The differences will keep us balanced, sharpening and changing us for the better. The commonalities serve as a foundation which will evolve over time, kind of like fine wine!

I also feel that the belief of a soulmate gives a preconceived notion that little effort is required after meeting. Relationships are like farming; if you do not cultivate the land, the crops will surely die! The main reason divorce rates are so high now is because instead of hunkering down, we abandon ship faster than Cpt. Francesco Schettino!

20120315-111905.jpg

If you look at the above statistics, most of us date with the soul mate standard in mind. In my humble opinion, this is another cause of failed relationships and marriages. When we find our mates aren’t perfect, we feel they aren’t perfect for us. We fail to realize that we are all “under construction”, therefore we need to work collectively and individually to sustain significant relationships.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a Jerry McGuire type of love? Realistically, most of us will never have our life-long partners at “hello”. We have to captivate them with our character and keep them with our commitment. If we nix the soulmate search and increase our loyalty, we will find that the beauty in a relationship is not in finding our missing half, but in growing together to make what we have work.

I’ll close by sharing my tweet from earlier today, “Don’t live to find your soulmate, instead, work to be the heart and soul of your mate!”

Your Slow, Super Efficient Guide to Weight Loss – Part II

Spring is almost here!  Before you know it, it’ll be time to pack those sweaters away and put on those pretty skirts, dresses and shorts.  And for you guys, not too much of a change-up in wardrobe I know, but we do have one thing in common.

We ALL want to be slimmer when the weather gets warmer!  We feel better about ourselves and how we look in our clothes when we shed a few pounds.  Equipped with our new year’s resolution and gym membership, we’re on track to have a beach body by summer.  But is it really feasible to do so in 4 months?

It all depends.  It depends on what you are eating, how much weight you need to lose, if you are exercising and if you are consistent with your eating and exercise regime.  I’ve learned several things since I last blogged about weight loss, and I want to share them with you:

  1. Stop believing the infomercials and fitness ads.  There is no pill, powder, shake or liquid that is going to instantly make you look the way you want.  We have to realize there are no short cuts.  Furiouspete123 on youtube has a video that exposes advertisements on weight loss gimmicks.  Most of those commercials are shot in the same day.  The models bloat themselves after taking the “results” pictures.  Know this: if you are not going to put in the work a pill or potion won’t help, especially not for the long term.  I used to think I needed extra protein to build muscle and a fatburner to lose flab.  Since I’m what’s called an ecto-endo body type (skinny-flabby), I don’t build muscle very well.  I was eating the suggested amount of protein (1 gram per pound), so I was consuming roughly 120-180 grams of protein per day.  What I didn’t realize is that the protein wasn’t metabolizing because I wasn’t doing enough cardio. I ended up gaining weight instead of losing it, even though I was firmer from lifting weights.  Protein helps with muscle-building but not necessarily with weight loss.  So I was building muscle but not losing any weight, and my goal was to do both.  I thought about using a fatburner but they scare me.  The few times I tried them I experienced a racy heart and insomnia from the caffeine.  I’ve conceded to the fact that I need to run more, even though I hate it with a passion.  But the old ways are truly the best ways, and I’ve noticed a difference already.  I’ve increased my cardio from two days to four.  I am now aiming for five.
  2. Don’t underestimate how hard it is to lose weight and to maintain your goal weight.  I just finished “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There” By Marshall GoldSmith (I’ll do a book review in another post) and he did an excellent analysis on goal setting and goal achievement.  He applied his principles to weight loss and listed the following reasons why people do not succeed in their weight loss goals: time, effort, distractions, rewards and maintenance.  According to GoldSmith (best-selling author, business professor at Dartmouth and top executive coach), these 5 reasons are commonly underestimated and are ultimately why we fail at our weight lost goals.  My achillies heel had been time, effort and distractions.  But no more!
  3. My Fitness Pal.  It’s an app you can download on your phone.  After you download and create an account, you plug in your current weight and your goal weight.  It then tells you how many calories you are allowed each day based on how many pounds you want to lose per week. I lost about 3 pounds last week!  My fitness pal is great for me because I can also see what nutrients I need to get in before the day is out.  It also made me aware of how much dining out was a hinderance to my progress.  I know I promised pictures but I accidentally erased my November pictures when I restored my computer to factory condition (I forgot to back up years worth of pictures and my favorites). I will put some up though, I promise!  I’ve put on some muscle but I  have quite a ways to go…wish me luck!

I’d like to close this post with the picture below.  I got it from my friends RawTwins on facebook.  If we would take the time to eat properly, we’d be 70% to goal.  Instead of stopping off at a fast food place after a long day’s work, I now take cucumbers, carrots and grapes to work and make sure I am drinking 80 to 100 ounces of water per day.  That’s only 5 to 7 water bottles!  You can do it!  Remember, what you put inside yourself is a reflection of who you are!

-KB

You Are What You Eat - Courtesy of RawTwins

Are You On The Balcony Or In The Basement?

Be like the goldfish "Carpe diem!"

When I came across the analogy of balcony verses basement people I was immediately intrigued.  Judy Landorf, author of Balcony People, used an interesting metaphor comparing balcony and basement people to the likes of living in a fishbowl.  In her analogy two-thirds of life is at the bottom, in the murk and grime of the bowl.  Remaining forms of life are at the top.  Basement people are in the murky water and balcony people in the clear.

To piggyback off Landorf, we can metaphorically compare basement people to scavengers.  They wait for opportunity to come to them.  They settle for what’s left and will fight for scraps.  If you know anything about scavengers you know they always operate in survivor mode.  Since two-thirds of the population is at the bottom, one can expect slim pickings.  This is probably why there is so much trickery, back-stabbing, clawing and scratching in the world.  Crabs in a barrel!

Basement people are pessimistic.  They are uncertain of their future because they can’t see through the murk of their environment. They feel like they’ve been denied opportunity and never caught a break.  In fact, they feel oppressed.  Ironically their sense of oppression makes them oppressors.  They will tell you that you can’t or you shouldn’t because they wouldn’t.  They do not realize they are mentally bound and their way of thinking is the only reason why they are at the bottom.   Basement people lack the ability to break free from mental bondage because they do not have confidence or faith.  They will not be genuinely happy for you and will offer little support.  Their discouraging behavior stems from their fear of you changing and leaving them behind.

Balcony people are just the opposite.  They are go-getters!  They will not wait for opportunity to fall in their laps.  Like fish swimming to the top of the bowl when food hits the water, balcony people jump on opportunity.  Since there’s room at the top there is plenty to choose from and plenty to go around.  There is no reason to fight, scheme or manipulate.  Seeking higher ground gives balcony people a clearer vision.   They are confident in themselves and do not need to take from others to be happy or to survive.  Balcony people are ambitious, supportive and encouraging.  They will be your biggest fans because they know their success comes at their own hands and that the harvest is ripe.

Balcony and basement people both have the power of transference.  When you associate with people who complain and are complacent you will start to see life from their point of view.  If you fortify your circle with people who are inspirational and optimistic you will share their sentiments.  Basement people are toxic and should be not be allowed space in your head, heart, or life.

Before you start cleaning house on your facebook friends list and unfollowing folks on twitter, examine your own heart.  We often don’t see our own flaws because we are mentally bound ourselves.  Ask yourself these questions:

  1. Are you self-motivated?
  2. Are you genuinely happy for others and supportive of their ambitions?
  3. Do you wait or make opportunity?
  4. Are you confident in yourself and is your faith strong?
  5. Are you part of the problem or part of the solution?

Ten Types of People You Should Avoid Dating

Picking a mate can be like picking produce.  You first check for rotten spots on the outside. Then you squeeze to feel if it’s solid and ripe.  If it’s too soft it is starting to spoil, and if it’s too hard it is not ripe.  Either way it would not be a quality purchase.

This list can serve as an inspection technique in dating.  If your potential partner matches the descriptions below…retreat!

  1. The Bell Hop.  This type of person carries more baggage than a conveyor belt.  They hold on to everything!  They weren’t their parents’ favorite.  They weren’t popular.  They weren’t the most attractive.  They couldn’t play sports.  They always got dumped or cheated on.  Woe is me, Woe is me.  Woe will be you too, because they have the power of transference.  “Bags, sir/madam?”
  2. The Rebounder.  This guy or girl will always “just” be coming out of a relationship.  Always!  They believe the best way to get over their ex is to move on to the next.  Since they haven’t taken the time to clear their mind and hearts they won’t be free to love.  How will you know?  You will hear more about their ex than you will anything else!
  3. The Repeat Offender.  Once you date someone who justifies breaking the law, know that you are dating someone who has a mentality of justifying other wrongdoings.  Please know that it is not wise to date an habitual crime committer.  They may have good intentions on changing, but often times their intentions do not come to fruition.  People who truly want to change will do so on their own.  They NEED to do so on their own.  Trust me; I know what I’m talking about!
  4. The Baby Daddy/Mama (the immature parent).   Dating someone who has kids is tricky because you have to see what type of relationship they have with their ex.  It also depends how young the child is and how long the couple has been apart.  If there are unresolved issues, drama will surely follow.  If you are a woman dating a man with kids his income may decrease with child support or/and alimony.  Both sexes have to factor in being a parental figure and building a relationship with the ex (if they are present).  A good indicator in dating someone with kids is the peace level in their lives with you in it.  If drama already exists then it’s a no-brainer.
  5. The Floater/Free Spirit.  This person is unable to commit to anything.  Always changing jobs.  Always changing friends.  Always moving. Always finding fault and never finishing anything.  If something is always wrong with everyone else, something will be wrong with you!
  6. The Victim.  Another “woe is me” person.  The difference between the bell hop and the victim is the victim will have deeper psychological issues.  Bell hops will stand up for themselves and leave a bad situation whereas victims will endure long-suffering.  Victims usually devalue themselves and are attention seekers.  If you continue to date the victim, prepare to see signs of obsession, depression or hear suicidal comments.  This person needs a friend not a relationship.  And professional help!
  7. The “Aholic”.  This person works too much, parties too much, drinks too much, gambles too much, is on the internet too much, etc.  In short they are addicted to something.  That addiction may be harmless on the surface but it consumes their thoughts and hearts.  The aholic will genuinely like you but they will love the addiction!
  8. The “!”  This person is extreme, over the top and overly passionate.  At some point they will blow up, freak out, spaz out, jap out, and go ham all at once.  You will get a snippet of their extreme behavior over something they are passionate about or take personally.  If you are not the object of that first uncontrollable fit you will be in the near future.
  9. The Pinocchio (compulsive liar).  This type of person can tell some tales!  Everyone has lied at some point in their lives and will probably tell more before they die.  The Pinocchio is in on a completely different level.  Their lies make no sense, serve no purpose, and have no merit.  You will hear them talking to someone else and they will start lying for no reason or to make themselves sound more accomplished than they really are.   I dated a compulsive liar and asked him why he would lie so much.  His response was “to see if people will believe me!”
  10. The Project Boo.  This type of person is like a piece of clay.  Ready to be molded and upgraded at your expense.  See my last post for more details.

Beware of the Project Boo

Courtesy of Getty Images

Are you dating a project boo?  Despite how it sounds, a project boo has nothing to do with low-income housing stereotypes.  A project boo is a potential mate that needs a complete overhaul.  On the surface it seems like they are great prospects because they are fun to be around.  You fall for them before you realize they have a lot of baggage.  Hence the project boo.  Being with them will be a project; you will constantly be working on their shortcomings.

Project boos are great people.  They are usually attractive, pleasant and charming.  In fact it is their charm and attractiveness that distracts you from realizing that they are pretty packages of hot garbage!  The funny thing about a project boo is they are unaware of their flaws or don’t care to fix them.  They get along just fine.  But if you dig deep, you are sure to find that their getting along has come at the hands of soft parenting, their ability to manipulate people, and misuse of credit.  Before you know it you’re fixing their credit, attire, mentality, and living arrangement.  Congratulations on your new bundle of work!

Project boo relationships come to a crash and burn ending.  You may have an awakening and realize you want the project to end.  He or she may not go peacefully as they have become quite comfortable with being the benefactor of your efforts.  On the flip side, your project boo may initiate the end as well.  They may grow tired of your molding tactics and begin to rebel.  By upgrading them, you’ve increased their sense entitlement.  This may have been a given for them their whole lives, but believe me when I say you have only made it worse.  They will start to lose respect for you, resent you or cheat.  Now you have to make a decision.  If you decide to break up with them you’ve lost precious time, money and energy.  If you stay you will enable your project boo to continue their bad behavior.  Once they see that you are hooked, things will only get worse.

My dear sweet friends, beware of the project boo!  Project boos are dangerous!  They don’t really know what they want.  They don’t know who they are, where they are headed and have very little to offer.  They are completely oblivious to the fact that they are ill prepared to be in a relationship.   The only thing they know is that they are single and ready to mingle (heck these days, some project boos are NOT single)!  The most important thing to remember about a project boo is their desire to mingle blinds their ability to realize they are unprepared to be in a healthy relationship.  The distinguishing mark all project boos carry is they have more problems than plans and are quick to allow you to “help”.  Once you get past the attraction and see the mess, R-U-N!

Five Qualifications Needed on Your Date and Mate Checklist

Have you ever been told that you should have a list of qualities you desire in a mate?  A potential suitor asked me that the other day and I declined to disclose.  I feel it’s better to let a person show you who they are.  For the most part, people serious about settling down are looking for the same things.  Time will reveal if they meet the qualifications.  Yes qualifications!  Those are what qualities are right?  If they don’t meet them, they get the ax!

Do you have a list of qualities or need one?  Well I wanted to share my top five.  They are:

  1. Values.  There is a scripture that says: “A house divided against itself cannot stand”.  This is true when it comes to building a solid foundation, starting a family and weathering the storms.  In the beginning you need to value the same things and stay true to those values.  As time goes on your values will be tested.  If the will to work together isn’t there, kiss your relationship goodbye.  In most cases relationships are built on the physical.   By the time people realize they do not value the same things, it’s too late.  Many marriages and relationships end bitterly because once the physical attraction fades, there is no substance.
  2. Character.  This stems from common values.  Your mate should be a strong reflection of what you value.  What confuses me about some people is they’ll say they want a person of good character, then will date men or women who mistreat people, who are vain, insecure, irresponsible, or unprepared.  Some people can change when they fall in love but that’s a risky gamble.  You will soon realize you do not have a relationship but a high-risk, low reward project.  Good luck with that!
  3. Chemistry.  Physical attraction is only a small part of chemistry.  You can have chemistry with a person who is not necessarily physically attractive.  I’m not saying that physical attraction isn’t important but it shouldn’t be the main driver.  Have you ever sat with someone who just blew you away with their intellect, humor, confidence, ambition or talent?  These qualities stimulate more than just your libido.  With time and age beauty will fade.  What’s tight and ripped will become loose , stretched and flabby.  I’d much rather be with someone who has a captivating presence than a figure head.   Dig deeper than the surface!
  4. Goals.  If you are a day-to-day person, date a day-to-day person.  If you are goal driven look for someone who is the same.  Why?  Because at some point your opposite will irk you with their complacency or ignore you with their chase for achievement.  If you have your own goals or can help your mate with theirs, you’ll have more to share.  If both of you are day-to-day people, spontaneity will spark your relationship.  And if you have the same goals, imagine how deeper the connection will grow once you start to achieve them together!
  5. Wisdom.  This is where you will have to watch how they handle stress, how they treat people and how they approach life.  Do they get medically depressed when life comes at them?  Do they display signs of uncontrollable jealousy or rage?  Do they seek to get revenge or rectify conflict?  Do they lack common sense or speak profoundly?  Do they practice what they preach?  I believe a wise person seeks help when in need, can receive constructive criticism, and keeps a positive outlook on life.  They understand that they are not perfect and don’t expect you to be.  In fact, they bring out the best in you because they know what to say and when to say it.  They are perceptive, encouraging and caring.  They may not make the best decisions all the time but most of the time they are dead on.  Wisdom cannot be bought or taught.  Wisdom is the use of divine understanding and knowledge.  It is easy to distinguish a wise person from a foolish one.  Foolish people will show themselves if you give them time.  However if you are caught up in good looks, sex, or are preoccupied with a “project” then you will not be able to distinguish their foolishness from flaw.  None of us are perfect, but we all have good to offer.  If a person lacks in most of these qualities they are not long-term material.  Be wise enough to realize that!