November 22, 2017

Reading Is Power

I know I’ve been M.I.A. from my blog and I apologize. With track season in motion, I’ve had little down time to write. In fact, I’m posting this blog from my phone, so forgive me for any editorial mistakes now. Charge my head and not my heart!

I have been doing a lot of reading though. I’ve read three books so far this year, and re-read another from last year. Those books are:

  1. Think And Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill,
  2. What Got You Here Won’t Get You There by Marshall Goldsmith
  3.  Getting Started As A Freelance Writer by Robert Bly.

The book I reread from last year is titled  Author 101 by Robert Friskman. If you are an aspiring journalist, I recommend reading all of these. They are awesome starting blocks for launching your dreams into reality.

When I read Bly’s book, I learned about the business of freelance and entrepreneurship. From Goldsmith, I learned about the importance of fine tuning your personality. Hill’s book was about transferring dreams into reality, and Friskman’s focus was a detailed extension of Bly’s book, including details on writing style and marketing techniques. All three have given me a new perspective on life as well as my financial future.

I know that inside of some of you there lies a desire to do something different, perhaps to write a book or start a new career. I want to share with you my top 5 takeaways from all four books. I hope they help you as much as they have helped me!

  1. You must have a desire to acquire, belief that you will achieve and a plan to make it happen. If you do not believe in yourself or fail to plan how you are going to get what you want, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment.
  2.  You must start today. Not tomorrow, not Sunday, not after this, that, or the other. Time doesn’t wait and neither should you! Procrastination is cancerous! Once it forms in one area of your life, it will spread. Procrastination is why you haven’t started exercising, saving, went back to school or finished most of what you have started.
  3. Educate yourself and become a life long learner of your trade. Plan your work and work your plan. Being efficient takes effort, being exceptional requires more. You need both effort and skill. The only way to obtain and maintain success is through acquired skill and skill applied. Avoid becoming complacent, keep up with the trends of your trade. If you can stay a step ahead of them…even better!
  4. Tell yourself and others what you want. In fact, write it down somewhere, read it daily and meditate on it. When you meet new people, introduce yourself as the person you want to become. Tell them you are an aspiring writer, business owner, etc. Ask them to connect you with people who may mentor your or help you pursue your goals. Once you put it in the atmosphere, you will be holding yourself accountable and creating a support system. Your support system should hold you accountable too, which is why it should consist of people who will help you achieve your goals and provide constructive feedback. You will be allowing these people to speak into your life so they need to be intelligent, well informed, and as objective as possible. Fortifying your network with the right people is directly correlated to your success.
  5. Be patient, persistent and persevere. It may take longer than you would like. You may endure setbacks and rejection. You may lose friends, your social life, even a significant other. And if the time comes, you must be willing to pay whatever price it takes to achieve your goals. If your goals are S.M.A.R.T. (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, timely) and the intent of your financial success will benefit others, the sacrifice will be worth it. People will tell you that you can’t or will attempt to deter you. But keep pressing on! No matter what you desire to acquire, you will achieve if you believe. Plan your work and work your plan!

These tidbits are universal for all aspects of life. I’ll close with a scripture that changed my life, because it changed my mentality: “Do not conform to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Change the way you think!

All the best,

-KB

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Your Slow, Super Efficient Guide to Weight Loss – Part II

Spring is almost here!  Before you know it, it’ll be time to pack those sweaters away and put on those pretty skirts, dresses and shorts.  And for you guys, not too much of a change-up in wardrobe I know, but we do have one thing in common.

We ALL want to be slimmer when the weather gets warmer!  We feel better about ourselves and how we look in our clothes when we shed a few pounds.  Equipped with our new year’s resolution and gym membership, we’re on track to have a beach body by summer.  But is it really feasible to do so in 4 months?

It all depends.  It depends on what you are eating, how much weight you need to lose, if you are exercising and if you are consistent with your eating and exercise regime.  I’ve learned several things since I last blogged about weight loss, and I want to share them with you:

  1. Stop believing the infomercials and fitness ads.  There is no pill, powder, shake or liquid that is going to instantly make you look the way you want.  We have to realize there are no short cuts.  Furiouspete123 on youtube has a video that exposes advertisements on weight loss gimmicks.  Most of those commercials are shot in the same day.  The models bloat themselves after taking the “results” pictures.  Know this: if you are not going to put in the work a pill or potion won’t help, especially not for the long term.  I used to think I needed extra protein to build muscle and a fatburner to lose flab.  Since I’m what’s called an ecto-endo body type (skinny-flabby), I don’t build muscle very well.  I was eating the suggested amount of protein (1 gram per pound), so I was consuming roughly 120-180 grams of protein per day.  What I didn’t realize is that the protein wasn’t metabolizing because I wasn’t doing enough cardio. I ended up gaining weight instead of losing it, even though I was firmer from lifting weights.  Protein helps with muscle-building but not necessarily with weight loss.  So I was building muscle but not losing any weight, and my goal was to do both.  I thought about using a fatburner but they scare me.  The few times I tried them I experienced a racy heart and insomnia from the caffeine.  I’ve conceded to the fact that I need to run more, even though I hate it with a passion.  But the old ways are truly the best ways, and I’ve noticed a difference already.  I’ve increased my cardio from two days to four.  I am now aiming for five.
  2. Don’t underestimate how hard it is to lose weight and to maintain your goal weight.  I just finished “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There” By Marshall GoldSmith (I’ll do a book review in another post) and he did an excellent analysis on goal setting and goal achievement.  He applied his principles to weight loss and listed the following reasons why people do not succeed in their weight loss goals: time, effort, distractions, rewards and maintenance.  According to GoldSmith (best-selling author, business professor at Dartmouth and top executive coach), these 5 reasons are commonly underestimated and are ultimately why we fail at our weight lost goals.  My achillies heel had been time, effort and distractions.  But no more!
  3. My Fitness Pal.  It’s an app you can download on your phone.  After you download and create an account, you plug in your current weight and your goal weight.  It then tells you how many calories you are allowed each day based on how many pounds you want to lose per week. I lost about 3 pounds last week!  My fitness pal is great for me because I can also see what nutrients I need to get in before the day is out.  It also made me aware of how much dining out was a hinderance to my progress.  I know I promised pictures but I accidentally erased my November pictures when I restored my computer to factory condition (I forgot to back up years worth of pictures and my favorites). I will put some up though, I promise!  I’ve put on some muscle but I  have quite a ways to go…wish me luck!

I’d like to close this post with the picture below.  I got it from my friends RawTwins on facebook.  If we would take the time to eat properly, we’d be 70% to goal.  Instead of stopping off at a fast food place after a long day’s work, I now take cucumbers, carrots and grapes to work and make sure I am drinking 80 to 100 ounces of water per day.  That’s only 5 to 7 water bottles!  You can do it!  Remember, what you put inside yourself is a reflection of who you are!

-KB

You Are What You Eat - Courtesy of RawTwins

Are You On The Balcony Or In The Basement?

Be like the goldfish "Carpe diem!"

When I came across the analogy of balcony verses basement people I was immediately intrigued.  Judy Landorf, author of Balcony People, used an interesting metaphor comparing balcony and basement people to the likes of living in a fishbowl.  In her analogy two-thirds of life is at the bottom, in the murk and grime of the bowl.  Remaining forms of life are at the top.  Basement people are in the murky water and balcony people in the clear.

To piggyback off Landorf, we can metaphorically compare basement people to scavengers.  They wait for opportunity to come to them.  They settle for what’s left and will fight for scraps.  If you know anything about scavengers you know they always operate in survivor mode.  Since two-thirds of the population is at the bottom, one can expect slim pickings.  This is probably why there is so much trickery, back-stabbing, clawing and scratching in the world.  Crabs in a barrel!

Basement people are pessimistic.  They are uncertain of their future because they can’t see through the murk of their environment. They feel like they’ve been denied opportunity and never caught a break.  In fact, they feel oppressed.  Ironically their sense of oppression makes them oppressors.  They will tell you that you can’t or you shouldn’t because they wouldn’t.  They do not realize they are mentally bound and their way of thinking is the only reason why they are at the bottom.   Basement people lack the ability to break free from mental bondage because they do not have confidence or faith.  They will not be genuinely happy for you and will offer little support.  Their discouraging behavior stems from their fear of you changing and leaving them behind.

Balcony people are just the opposite.  They are go-getters!  They will not wait for opportunity to fall in their laps.  Like fish swimming to the top of the bowl when food hits the water, balcony people jump on opportunity.  Since there’s room at the top there is plenty to choose from and plenty to go around.  There is no reason to fight, scheme or manipulate.  Seeking higher ground gives balcony people a clearer vision.   They are confident in themselves and do not need to take from others to be happy or to survive.  Balcony people are ambitious, supportive and encouraging.  They will be your biggest fans because they know their success comes at their own hands and that the harvest is ripe.

Balcony and basement people both have the power of transference.  When you associate with people who complain and are complacent you will start to see life from their point of view.  If you fortify your circle with people who are inspirational and optimistic you will share their sentiments.  Basement people are toxic and should be not be allowed space in your head, heart, or life.

Before you start cleaning house on your facebook friends list and unfollowing folks on twitter, examine your own heart.  We often don’t see our own flaws because we are mentally bound ourselves.  Ask yourself these questions:

  1. Are you self-motivated?
  2. Are you genuinely happy for others and supportive of their ambitions?
  3. Do you wait or make opportunity?
  4. Are you confident in yourself and is your faith strong?
  5. Are you part of the problem or part of the solution?

Ten Types of People You Should Avoid Dating

Picking a mate can be like picking produce.  You first check for rotten spots on the outside. Then you squeeze to feel if it’s solid and ripe.  If it’s too soft it is starting to spoil, and if it’s too hard it is not ripe.  Either way it would not be a quality purchase.

This list can serve as an inspection technique in dating.  If your potential partner matches the descriptions below…retreat!

  1. The Bell Hop.  This type of person carries more baggage than a conveyor belt.  They hold on to everything!  They weren’t their parents’ favorite.  They weren’t popular.  They weren’t the most attractive.  They couldn’t play sports.  They always got dumped or cheated on.  Woe is me, Woe is me.  Woe will be you too, because they have the power of transference.  “Bags, sir/madam?”
  2. The Rebounder.  This guy or girl will always “just” be coming out of a relationship.  Always!  They believe the best way to get over their ex is to move on to the next.  Since they haven’t taken the time to clear their mind and hearts they won’t be free to love.  How will you know?  You will hear more about their ex than you will anything else!
  3. The Repeat Offender.  Once you date someone who justifies breaking the law, know that you are dating someone who has a mentality of justifying other wrongdoings.  Please know that it is not wise to date an habitual crime committer.  They may have good intentions on changing, but often times their intentions do not come to fruition.  People who truly want to change will do so on their own.  They NEED to do so on their own.  Trust me; I know what I’m talking about!
  4. The Baby Daddy/Mama (the immature parent).   Dating someone who has kids is tricky because you have to see what type of relationship they have with their ex.  It also depends how young the child is and how long the couple has been apart.  If there are unresolved issues, drama will surely follow.  If you are a woman dating a man with kids his income may decrease with child support or/and alimony.  Both sexes have to factor in being a parental figure and building a relationship with the ex (if they are present).  A good indicator in dating someone with kids is the peace level in their lives with you in it.  If drama already exists then it’s a no-brainer.
  5. The Floater/Free Spirit.  This person is unable to commit to anything.  Always changing jobs.  Always changing friends.  Always moving. Always finding fault and never finishing anything.  If something is always wrong with everyone else, something will be wrong with you!
  6. The Victim.  Another “woe is me” person.  The difference between the bell hop and the victim is the victim will have deeper psychological issues.  Bell hops will stand up for themselves and leave a bad situation whereas victims will endure long-suffering.  Victims usually devalue themselves and are attention seekers.  If you continue to date the victim, prepare to see signs of obsession, depression or hear suicidal comments.  This person needs a friend not a relationship.  And professional help!
  7. The “Aholic”.  This person works too much, parties too much, drinks too much, gambles too much, is on the internet too much, etc.  In short they are addicted to something.  That addiction may be harmless on the surface but it consumes their thoughts and hearts.  The aholic will genuinely like you but they will love the addiction!
  8. The “!”  This person is extreme, over the top and overly passionate.  At some point they will blow up, freak out, spaz out, jap out, and go ham all at once.  You will get a snippet of their extreme behavior over something they are passionate about or take personally.  If you are not the object of that first uncontrollable fit you will be in the near future.
  9. The Pinocchio (compulsive liar).  This type of person can tell some tales!  Everyone has lied at some point in their lives and will probably tell more before they die.  The Pinocchio is in on a completely different level.  Their lies make no sense, serve no purpose, and have no merit.  You will hear them talking to someone else and they will start lying for no reason or to make themselves sound more accomplished than they really are.   I dated a compulsive liar and asked him why he would lie so much.  His response was “to see if people will believe me!”
  10. The Project Boo.  This type of person is like a piece of clay.  Ready to be molded and upgraded at your expense.  See my last post for more details.

Beware of the Project Boo

Courtesy of Getty Images

Are you dating a project boo?  Despite how it sounds, a project boo has nothing to do with low-income housing stereotypes.  A project boo is a potential mate that needs a complete overhaul.  On the surface it seems like they are great prospects because they are fun to be around.  You fall for them before you realize they have a lot of baggage.  Hence the project boo.  Being with them will be a project; you will constantly be working on their shortcomings.

Project boos are great people.  They are usually attractive, pleasant and charming.  In fact it is their charm and attractiveness that distracts you from realizing that they are pretty packages of hot garbage!  The funny thing about a project boo is they are unaware of their flaws or don’t care to fix them.  They get along just fine.  But if you dig deep, you are sure to find that their getting along has come at the hands of soft parenting, their ability to manipulate people, and misuse of credit.  Before you know it you’re fixing their credit, attire, mentality, and living arrangement.  Congratulations on your new bundle of work!

Project boo relationships come to a crash and burn ending.  You may have an awakening and realize you want the project to end.  He or she may not go peacefully as they have become quite comfortable with being the benefactor of your efforts.  On the flip side, your project boo may initiate the end as well.  They may grow tired of your molding tactics and begin to rebel.  By upgrading them, you’ve increased their sense entitlement.  This may have been a given for them their whole lives, but believe me when I say you have only made it worse.  They will start to lose respect for you, resent you or cheat.  Now you have to make a decision.  If you decide to break up with them you’ve lost precious time, money and energy.  If you stay you will enable your project boo to continue their bad behavior.  Once they see that you are hooked, things will only get worse.

My dear sweet friends, beware of the project boo!  Project boos are dangerous!  They don’t really know what they want.  They don’t know who they are, where they are headed and have very little to offer.  They are completely oblivious to the fact that they are ill prepared to be in a relationship.   The only thing they know is that they are single and ready to mingle (heck these days, some project boos are NOT single)!  The most important thing to remember about a project boo is their desire to mingle blinds their ability to realize they are unprepared to be in a healthy relationship.  The distinguishing mark all project boos carry is they have more problems than plans and are quick to allow you to “help”.  Once you get past the attraction and see the mess, R-U-N!

Five Qualifications Needed on Your Date and Mate Checklist

Have you ever been told that you should have a list of qualities you desire in a mate?  A potential suitor asked me that the other day and I declined to disclose.  I feel it’s better to let a person show you who they are.  For the most part, people serious about settling down are looking for the same things.  Time will reveal if they meet the qualifications.  Yes qualifications!  Those are what qualities are right?  If they don’t meet them, they get the ax!

Do you have a list of qualities or need one?  Well I wanted to share my top five.  They are:

  1. Values.  There is a scripture that says: “A house divided against itself cannot stand”.  This is true when it comes to building a solid foundation, starting a family and weathering the storms.  In the beginning you need to value the same things and stay true to those values.  As time goes on your values will be tested.  If the will to work together isn’t there, kiss your relationship goodbye.  In most cases relationships are built on the physical.   By the time people realize they do not value the same things, it’s too late.  Many marriages and relationships end bitterly because once the physical attraction fades, there is no substance.
  2. Character.  This stems from common values.  Your mate should be a strong reflection of what you value.  What confuses me about some people is they’ll say they want a person of good character, then will date men or women who mistreat people, who are vain, insecure, irresponsible, or unprepared.  Some people can change when they fall in love but that’s a risky gamble.  You will soon realize you do not have a relationship but a high-risk, low reward project.  Good luck with that!
  3. Chemistry.  Physical attraction is only a small part of chemistry.  You can have chemistry with a person who is not necessarily physically attractive.  I’m not saying that physical attraction isn’t important but it shouldn’t be the main driver.  Have you ever sat with someone who just blew you away with their intellect, humor, confidence, ambition or talent?  These qualities stimulate more than just your libido.  With time and age beauty will fade.  What’s tight and ripped will become loose , stretched and flabby.  I’d much rather be with someone who has a captivating presence than a figure head.   Dig deeper than the surface!
  4. Goals.  If you are a day-to-day person, date a day-to-day person.  If you are goal driven look for someone who is the same.  Why?  Because at some point your opposite will irk you with their complacency or ignore you with their chase for achievement.  If you have your own goals or can help your mate with theirs, you’ll have more to share.  If both of you are day-to-day people, spontaneity will spark your relationship.  And if you have the same goals, imagine how deeper the connection will grow once you start to achieve them together!
  5. Wisdom.  This is where you will have to watch how they handle stress, how they treat people and how they approach life.  Do they get medically depressed when life comes at them?  Do they display signs of uncontrollable jealousy or rage?  Do they seek to get revenge or rectify conflict?  Do they lack common sense or speak profoundly?  Do they practice what they preach?  I believe a wise person seeks help when in need, can receive constructive criticism, and keeps a positive outlook on life.  They understand that they are not perfect and don’t expect you to be.  In fact, they bring out the best in you because they know what to say and when to say it.  They are perceptive, encouraging and caring.  They may not make the best decisions all the time but most of the time they are dead on.  Wisdom cannot be bought or taught.  Wisdom is the use of divine understanding and knowledge.  It is easy to distinguish a wise person from a foolish one.  Foolish people will show themselves if you give them time.  However if you are caught up in good looks, sex, or are preoccupied with a “project” then you will not be able to distinguish their foolishness from flaw.  None of us are perfect, but we all have good to offer.  If a person lacks in most of these qualities they are not long-term material.  Be wise enough to realize that!

Your SLOW, Super-Efficient Guide to A Better Body

Happy New Year!  You’re probably wondering, “Why would anyone want a slow guide to weight loss”?  In my experience I’ve learned slower is better.  Every time I’ve tried to lose weight on a quick time schedule, I’ve gained it back shortly thereafter or have gotten discouraged with my results.  I am so sick and tired of the, “transform your body in 21 days, 6 weeks, 90 days, or lose up to 2 pounds a week eating this/taking this” gimmicks!  Some of them do work but let’s face it…most of us are not going to count calories, points, or take diet pills for the rest of our lives.  Nor are we going to go cold turkey and cut out all sweets, sugars, caffeine, pastas, breads, and fast foods to become full-fledged vegetarians or vegans.  But we can take the best of the good stuff and transition at a slower pace.

Well this year is my year, and I’m doing it without a gimmick!  Instead of giving myself a hard and fast goal, I’ve decided to stop using methods I know are not going to be lifelong habits.  One personal trainer gave me the best and most reasonable goal that almost anyone can achieve….aim to add a pound of muscle a month.  One cheat meal a week is also okay as long as you eat relatively healthy the rest of the week. My goal is to add 15 pounds of muscle.  I started in August.  So by the end of 2012, I should have accomplished my goal.

I believe adding muscle at a realistic pace will yield longer-lasting results.  Since muscle burns calories even when not working out, I know my weight will take care of itself.   With the timeline gone I can focus on developing a healthy diet.  My desire to eat shrimp scampi, chicken fettuccini alfredo and garlic bread can be quenched as my cheat meal.  Since I’m not tracking my calories or points, I no longer get discouraged if I have a few slip ups.

If you are obese or haven’t worked out in a while, you should check with your doctor before starting an exercise or diet regime.  If you’re good and ready to rock, here are my 5 tips for your slow, super-efficient guide to a better you!

  1. Change your eating habits first.  Changing your eating habits and working out at the same time will make you miserable.  As you deprive your body of junk, you’re going to crash.  Putting your body though the stress of exercise and junk food deprivation is a lot to handle at once.  You are likely to stop working out and go back to eating crap because you are miserable.  Start eating healthier at least 21 days before you start working out.  WATER IS YOUR FRIEND!!!
  2. Work out every other day.  Cardio twice a week and lift weights twice a week.  You should be sore and the day off will help your body heal.  A day’s rest is all you need.  Do not confuse fatigue with a weak will, or pain for soreness.  Inability to push through the soreness will cause you to quit.  That is the biggest mental hump to get over…know that you are not tired.  You are just weak mentally and you want to give up.  Stay at it!  Pushing through an injury is another thing…so listen to your body.  If you over extended something or strained something, stop lifting until the pain subsides.  If it is in the lower back or knee, see a doctor.  If you are already active or athletic, cardio should be done at least three times a week and weight training every other day.  Aim for five days a week.
  3. Change your workouts every six weeks.  Your body is smart and it adapts to repetition in about four weeks.  You should not be doing the same thing every time you go to the gym.  You need to introduce the body to something new.  After a six week period you can increase your workout days and combine lifting and cardio on the same day.
  4. Increase your weights, your intensity and your reps every six weeks.  If you want to increase strength, increase your weights.  If you want to increase muscle tone, increase your repetitions.  If you want to burn more calories, start and end with 15 minutes of cardio on your weight training days. Increase your cardio intensity on cardio days as well.  You should not be at the same pace you were six weeks ago.  If you do not increase your intensity, you will be doing nothing but maintaining your current fitness level.
  5. Revisit your diet after 3 months.  Have you eliminated fried foods?  Have you stopped eating canned foods?  Are you eating foods high in fiber and vitamins?  Are you avoiding foods high in saturated fat, processed sugar (anything ending in ‘rose’) and sodium?  If not, change your diet again.  Now that your body is used to working out, a change in diet won’t be as drastic.  Furthermore, working out is now a part of your day and you love going to the gym.  This next crash won’t get the best of you!

I started monitoring my progress in November and will post comparison pictures in February.  Wish me luck!

Reflections – 2011

Mood - Grateful

Today I cried hard, harder than I have in a long time.  I cried tears of joy and pain, happiness and hurt.

I cried today because as I was washing dishes a bouquet flowers were delivered to my door.   Attached was a note with words of encouragement.  No one has ever done something so thoughtful for me before.  I was moved to tears and to write this reflection.

Looking back on the past year  I moved out-of-state with no job, got a job, quit a job for a higher paying job, lost the new job before I started but was able to get another job.  I met a great guy and he broke my heart.  I learned some family secrets should stay secret.  I’ve accepted the fact that I may have to adopt or foster and that I may be single for the rest of my life.  And I still have some medical issues I need to overcome.  So I needed to cry today.

You see, in spite of all that I’ve been through this year I’m still standing.  I get up each morning knowing today will be better than yesterday.  I have another opportunity to right all my wrongs, to try new things, to love and to laugh.  Life is a gift and I am utterly grateful for it.  I’ve been losing friends to prison and the grave since I was a kid, knowing in each instance it could have been me.  I know that if it wasn’t for God having mercy on me I wouldn’t be here to tell my story.  Where would I be without His unmerited favor?  He’s a miracle worker.  He makes a way out of no way.  He inspires me to keep pushing .  He’s given me the strength not only to carry my own burdens but the burdens of my loved ones as well.  And because I carry that responsibility and that strength,  quitting is not an option.

I cried today because I am happy to see 2011 go.  I had an eventful year.  But I know my events have made me stronger and more prepared for 2012.  I’m not claiming or decreeing anything because what is mine will be mine, good or bad.  But I am walking in rejuvenated faith. In spite of this past year’s events He still gave me much to smile about.  Life isn’t without its downs.  It’s not always fun or fair or easy. Each obstacle is an opportunity for character building and I’m grateful to be in the land of the living to experience it all.   When things get tough it’s good to know that  just like my fresh bouquet of flowers, when I least expect, it my Lord and Savior will be there.  Here’s to 2012.

New Year’s Resolutions for Women

Courtsey of Olga Tremblay

Okay ladies, here’s your top five resolutions:

  1. Keep your legs closed.  Yes it’s 2012 and we live in an anything goes society.  Despite what you think and what they say, men are still old fashioned.  Of course they are going to lie to you so they can hump it and dump it!  Men want to feel like you were waiting for them and that they’ve found something of value.  I’m not saying men won’t accept your circumstances because with age life will take you in all types of directions.  What I am saying is that you have to value yourself.  No one knows your worth better than you.  Don’t give your goodies away just because you feel like having sex.  Control yourself.  Best believe if you give it to him too easily, he’ll be wondering who else has had it just as easy.  His insecurity in you will be the root of emotional, mental and physical problems in the future.  If there is a future.
  2. Stop saying “I’ma do me”.  This is the most ridiculous thing that can come out of a woman’s mouth.  This phrase is just reverse psychology and a flat out lie.  You say it because you want to free yourself from being a slave to an unfaithful man.  You are pretending like you want to see other men out of rebellion and hurt.  Even if you start to have fun dating around, the cheater is the true object of your affection.  So stop lying to yourself and using clichés to mask your allowance of being cheated on.  You’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you back.  “It is what it is”!
  3. Stop playing the victim.  I’m not talking about being molested, raped or physically attacked. Those things are not in your control (the healing process is though).   I’m talking about giving all you have to a loser, abuser or user.  He had nothing when you met him.  He doesn’t have reliable transportation, a steady source of income, or even a plan.  He always comes to your house because he doesn’t have his own place.  NEWSFLASH: you don’t have a man, you have a child.  If the situation is reversed, you’ve allowed him to be your daddy because you bring nothing to the table.  In these types of relationships one person has too much control and the other becomes a possession.  If you allow someone to take advantage of you in any given scenario they will.  You are not a victim; you are a doormat.  Loving the wrong man will definitely knock you down.  Staying down is your choice.
  4. Learn what true beauty is.  I don’t care how much makeup you put on or how fly your wardrobe is.  You could be a natural beauty, have hair down your back and have a banging body.  If you lack intelligence, self-respect, and ambition it will show.  If you are selfish, vain, angry, conniving, condescending, pessimistic or always in the middle of someone else’s drama you will be too preoccupied with your own mess to be a woman of worth. Real men do not chase ignorant, classless, insecure, loudmouthed women.   They’ll sleep with you, but nix the notion of wifey.   As a grown woman you should know how to cook.  Your house should be clean and you should have your own interests so that you are not clingy.  You should not be consumed with morphing yourself into the ideal woman for your man.  Strive to be better for YOURSELF.  Eat right and take your behind to the gym if you hate the way you look.  That man saw your gut, no butt, no breasts, pimples, or flab prior to getting with you yet he still did.  The only person that has a problem with it is you!  Insecurity smoothers a relationship.  If you lack confidence in who you are as a woman, your beauty will fade faster than Kim K’s marriage.
  5. Learn how to be single.  This is tough for us women because we were created to nurture and love.  Unfortunately at times our nurturing, loving nature works against us.  We stay too long and deal with too much because we don’t want to be alone.  Well guess what?  Being single is not being alone.  Being single is taking the time to grow, to heal, to explore and expand.  Put some of that nurture and love into yourself.  When you are comfortable with being single, you are not in need of anything.  You will enjoy life and be at peace with who you are.  You will create an aura that is attractive and enticing because the joy inside of you will glow.  Take time to heal before moving into another relationship.  Carrying past hurts into new relationships makes you look attached to your previous mate.  No one wants to date your past.  When you are content with single life you will make better choices for yourself.  You know that you keep great company and no one should be in your space making you feel less fabulous than you really are.

New Year’s Resolutions For Men

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Tradition has it that when a new year begins, we should resolve to change something about ourselves to become better people.   I thought of 3 unfiltered, unadulterated resolutions for men and 5 for women (sorry ladies).  The men are up first.   In 2012, I hope you resolve to:

  1. Tell the truth in your romantic life.  Women are tired of the “I didn’t want to hurt you” or “I didn’t have my dad” excuses. You are an adult and are accountable for what you do despite how you were raised.  You treat women the way you do not because of your upbringing, but according to your own selfish desires.  You want options.   It makes you feel good about yourself as a man to know you can go back to where you once laid your hat.  You don’t feel like being honest because you really don’t want to explain yourself, and you feel like the truth may get you voted off the island.  Women won’t break if you tell them the truth.  Most women are big enough to handle whatever you throw at them, give or take a few tears.  You might stand a better chance of reconciling if you’re honest rather than leaving them hurt from your fade-away tactic or cheating.   Heck, these days some women will accept whatever arrangement you put on the table.  At least give them the option of deciding if they want to deal with it.
  2. Grow a pair.  There are too many men out there who are unwilling to take certain jobs because they don’t respect the type of work available or just don’t want to work.  Then you wonder why women belittle you or don’t know their place.  It’s because they’ve been forced to take YOURS!  Real men don’t shy away from responsibility and don’t let their egos hinder them from taking care of business.  Be a provider in your home, at the very least a partner.  If you’re in between jobs, make home life easier by helping out domestically.  Women respect men who bust their behinds for their families.  Nothing is beneath you when it comes to maintaining your household.
  3. Learn how to lead.  Men have a special, unique function in the world.  To be an effective leader you first need to know how to follow.  Throughout history prolific leaders submitted themselves to a higher calling and led selfless lives.  Today’s men lack that type of sacrifice.  They wear eggshell armor because they stand for nothing, trying to maintain their manhood with no substance to stand on.  Men, your ability to lead will come from your ability to follow.  Your ability to follow will come from the values and morals in which you hold dear.  When you stand for something other than yourself it is easier for women to support, trust, and stand behind you.   No matter how strong and intelligent women are, they want you to be stronger and more intelligent.  At the end of the day a woman wants a man she can admire and support.  If she makes you feel otherwise, it’s probably because you have failed at one or more of these resolutions.