September 26, 2017

Do You Attract The Wrong Types of People?

What Looks Good To You May Not Always Be Good For You

Earlier this week, I watched Dividing Rod, an episode of Criminal Minds.  The main character was a woman who was told by her father that she had the ability to attract the evil in men.  Unknowingly, she married a serial killer.  She visited him faithfully even though he was arrested and sentenced to death. A prison guard became obsessed with her acts of devotion.  He wanted her to be as devoted to him as she was to her husband.  After the serial killer’s execution, the guard started killing in the same exact manner.  Unlike the husband, the guard cut chunks of hair from his victims’ heads. He used the hair to create a hand made wig because she’d lost hers during chemo treatments.  Weird huh?

But it got me thinking about how some people always end up with the same type of guys or girls only to have their hearts broken.  I’m sure you know Ms. Broken Record, a beautiful, smart girl who always seems to get played, then takes her whoremonger back repeatedly.  You’ve heard her story so many times you can finish her sentences!  And what about Mr. Nice Guy? He always seem to date hellish women, cheats or gold-diggers.  No matter how many times you point out to him that he’s attracted to those types of women, sure enough, his next girlfriend looks just like the last one.

Is there a majestic, supernatural power that people have on one another?  Spiritual leaders say yes.  Juanita Bynum, a renowned author and televangelist, said in her famous No More Sheets presentation, that people carry spirits and energies on them that attract the very thing they don’t want.  It happens because something about a person isn’t in order and those attracted to them can sense it.

I’ve asked myself, do some people seem to attract bad people, or  do they bring out the very worst in the people they attract?  I don’t know what to make of it.  I do believe people are magnets for certain types of traits.  I also believe that some people have the spirit of prey and the spirit of predator.  In other words, one can appear to be an easy target, and the other, who looks to take advantage, can and will sniff out prey!

I thought it was ironic that confirmation of supernatural attraction came from that show.  At the very end when the guard was caught, the “dividing rod” actually visited him.  Even though she had nothing to do with the murders, she recognized that something within her was partially responsible.  When she visited him, she gave him this weird smile and told him she had “accepted her gift”.

And what about you?  Are you stuck in a repetitive cycle of dating the wrong types of people? Do you like the bad boys or hard to get girls? Do you seek them out or do they find you?  Are you aware of type of people you attract, and after learning you two aren’t compatible, pursue a relationship anyway? Let me know your thoughts!

 

What’s Wrong With Us

Vibe’s June/July 2012 Issue

It’s still hard to digest the madness that happened this past weekend in Colorado at the opening night of Batman: The Dark Night Rises.  The Penn State scandal is finally coming to a close, with all their football wins being eradicated from 1999 – 2010 and Sandusky facing 442 years in prison.  And of course, the Trayvon Martin case that was mishandled from the night of incident.

You know what’s shocking?  None of it.  We as Americans have become so desensitized to tragedy, drama, and vulgarity that instead of taking action, we gossip about it until the next big thing happens.  Almost everything we do, see and hear has to have some sort of shock value to it or we won’t listen, watch or buy it.  And believe me, the news stations and entertainment industry is well aware of that.

Take this Vibe cover photo.  I’m guilty of watching Basketball Wives, and a couple of other less than educational reality shows.  And I like watching to see what the heck these crazy people are going to do next.  Do I believe it’s real?  Of course not!  Do I condone their behavior?  Heck no!  But I watch, and watch faithfully.  And I have a problem with what I’m seeing.

My problem is not with the show.  I take it for face value which to me, is virtually nothing but entertainment and something to chat about.  What I have a problem with is that Vibe chose to call these ladies “role models.”  Role models for what?  For whom?  Why?    Because they are watched by millions?  Because they may have come from humble beginnings but are now successful business women with their own brands?  Or because they are, as Vibe states on the cover, “sexy?”

When I watch most of these reality shows, I do so strictly for entertainment purposes.   I started watching Basketball Wives because I wanted to see what the heck women of pro ballers did to sustain their identities.  I found out, in season one, absolutely nothing!  These women were broken and were seeking to find their own identities instead of being known as so-and-so’s girlfriend, ex or wife.  I felt compassion for them at first, so I kept tuning in. Now I watch because I don’t know what the heck they are going to FAKE next.  Like I said, mere entertainment.

To others though, it apparently isn’t a mere form of entertainment.  For Vibe to consider these reality actresses role models, they had to dig through the mess and find something to glorify.  I didn’t read the article, but I gander that in addition to them being “sexy”, Vibe portrayed them as self-made women who used their opportunities to build their own brands.  And to those who are incapable of discerning the real from the fake, will see them as role models.

What’s wrong with us?  Well I could sum it up by starting with what’s wrong with me.  Instead of boycotting this crap or writing the television networks to add programs of substance, I do nothing.  As a writer, I could even pitch scripts. Instead, I pick what’s most convenient and entertaining.  I watch what’s hot, I follow the trends, I like the sensation.  In essence, I sit and do not stand.  Because I tune in, I perpetuate the problem.

Don’t get me wrong, these women are beautiful.  But they are so far from reality it isn’t even funny.  Most of them have had some type of cosmetic work done and do not represent the core values we as parents, professionals, and spiritual beings hold dear.  They do not represent love, education, loyalty, compassion or determination.  They should not be, no matter how self-made or sexy, anybody’s role model.  What they do represent, is  America’s entertainment driven, capitalist driven, sensationalist driven and sex driven market.

My blog topic can be seen as both a question and imperative statement, but dare we even ask?  I know I’m guilty of watching and listening to things that do not speak to my beliefs.  Our music, news, even our consumer products are sensationalized, using reality actresses (notice I fail to call them stars) to entice us to buy their products.  In my season of purge, no more Basketball Wives, Single Ladies, or any other show that does not positively impact my life.  We, starting with me, have to restore what we value.  We cannot allow tv shows, music, movies and video games to desensitize those who cannot discern real from fake.  We cannot let the media raise our children.  Vibe cannot speak for us.  If we allow the purpose of reality entertainment replace our core values, we will be ripening the grounds for more Batman, Trayvon, and Penn State incidents.

What Do You Need To Purge?

 

Every now and then you need to have a life fire sale. Everything and everybody prohibiting your growth and well-being must go!  Similar to spring cleaning, we should evaluate the stuff in our lives, keeping what we need and removing what we don’t.  We need to treat jobs, hobbies, habits, romantic relationships and friendships like old files.  After they have served their purpose they need to be purged, sent away or marked for destruction.  

Do you have any relationships or habits in your life that you need to get rid of?  If you do, but don’t know where to start, here are 5 things to consider purging.  Believe me, once you remove some of these things, you’ll feel lighter and brighter!

  1. Old Exes.  There’s a difference between being cordial, being friends, and being in limbo.  There’s nothing wrong with the first two, but the latter spells deep trouble.  If you clearly have feelings for an old “boo” or whatever you chose to call your ex, it’s best to cut off communication until you establish a clear understanding of where you stand.  And if you are not in agreement of the terms, close that chapter.  There’s nothing worse than waiting for someone to give you another chance.  It’s not mutually platonic therefore, not mutually beneficial or healthy.
  2. Rollercoaster Road Dogs. These are the type of friends that for some reason, they love you one minute and are cold the next.  You normally have a great time with them, but sometimes, they act like they are angry at you, or find a reason to be angry with you.  In actuality they are probably insecure, jealous or paranoid in some sort of way when it comes to you.  Why try to fix them or figure them out ?  A true friend should always be a constant.  Life throws enough curve balls without wondering where you stand with someone who’s supposed to stick to you closer than a brother.
  3. Homies in the ‘hood.  They are rollercoaster road dogs and childhood friends mixed together.  You broke a few rules with them, maybe failed a few assignments or classes.  You played, T-ball, kickball, hide-and-go-seek, duck-duck-goose and red rover with them!  Basically, you were extremely close with this person when you were growing up.  Even though you’ve matured, this person is still trying to take you back to the days when you were acting an @$$.  They do so intentionally and unintentionally. They secretly hate the new you but miss their old friend.  These types of people are the hardest to let go of because you have deep history with them.   At some point you will hit a crossroad with this person and will have to make a decision either way.  The earlier you purge them, the better.
  4. Unhealthy pleasure-seeking habits.  When you do anything in overabundance, it can be dangerous.  Drinking, smoking, and sex are the top three activities that comes to mind when seeking personal pleasure.  These things negatively effect the body and if they consume you, they can be a matter of sickness, disease and death.
  5. Insatiable love for money.  Allowing money to be the primary motivating factor in all you do will make you miserable at some point in your life.  Staying at a job you hate, working with people you hate or committing unethical acts to acquire money will bite  you in the butt sooner or later.  Whether it be stress, depression, poor job performance or ramifications from unethical behavior, the truth will show its head.  Make your living doing something you can be proud of and are happy with.   If you need more education or skills, make the sacrifices needed to obtain it. 

I’ll close with a quote from my role model Stephen Covey who passed away yesterday, “You can’t talk yourself out of problems you behave yourself into.”  This quote always reminds me that I am responsible for the people I allow in my circle and the situations I find myself in.  When it comes to growth and productivity, there can be no grey areas.  Ultimately, the things and people I choose to affiliate with will influence my thinking and thus my actions.  I have quite a few things to purge this year.  How about you?

Until next time,

-KB

 

 

The Skinny on Being Skinny

Me and two tall class bikini competitors at Universe Weekend

My friend and I went to the Universe fitness competition in Miami this past weekend. I must say, I enjoyed myself thoroughly! Other than being around hundreds of folks that reminded me that I still have a long way to go to reach my fitness goals, I really was inspired by the people who were competing. Military men and women, firefighters, teachers, physical therapists, former athletes and Olympians were all there, showcasing their physiques for the world to see. There were several “biggest loser” success stories, from women and men losing over 100 pounds, to first time competitors over the age of 35, to grandmothers! I only watched the bikini and model competitions so I missed out on the eye candy for ladies. Sorry! But I did get a glimpse of a few men in the model competition.

Men – Model Competition

Last year’s model universe winner

My major take-away was the information I learned at a seminar held by nationally known fitness trainer and model, Jennifer Nicole Lee. Her personal story is amazing! She lost over 80 pounds AFTER the birth of her two children. Instead of talking about herself most of the time (like most famous people do when giving “how to” presentations), she talked about brand building and being your own publicist. Her insightfulness was refreshing, as her information was not only fitness focused, but for anyone interested in being their own boss.

At the end of the seminar a protegé of hers by the name of Nissa Salas shared her weight loss story. She’d lost over 100 pounds after having life saving surgery to remove a tumor. Not only did she use her tragedy for triumph, she also used it to launch a side career. It was inspiring to hear from women who had not only conquered their battle with obesity, but are using their personal victories to encourage others to do the same.

So what do they do to lose weight and look great? Well, nothing you haven’t heard before. They diet and exercise. They make their eating habits a way of life. They make sacrifices, like making time for exercise and getting enough rest. After Friday’s competition, most of the competitors headed to their rooms to prepare for the next day. The ones who hung out in the hotel lounge were rarely drinking. The few that were, weren’t getting hammered. And surprisingly, they were a close-knit group. They were encouraging each other and were rooting for each other, in spite of competing agaist each other!

In short, these people work extremely hard to maintain their physiques. Being in shape, or being “skinny” isn’t easy, especially with age. Genetics may play a part, but only a select few are that lucky. Most of them will tell you they work extremely hard and consistently eat well. So when those lights come on, they earn the right to flex!

Bikini Tall Class

Back view – Bikini Tall Class

Group Photo – Model Competition

Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Woman

Being yourself never gets old!

Let them pursue you - Courtsey of Getty Images

Let me say this: I’m a huge fan of Steve Harvey’s book and I think the movie was funny and done in great taste.  However, I do not believe ladies need to think like men to get a man.   We do need to consider one key concept in the book: setting standards.  Our problem is, even if we have standards, we don’t use them.  Dating without standards is like making a cake with no flour.  What you get is a complete mess!

If you haven’t read the book, you should. It’s an excellent, humorous and informative read.  Let me let you in on a little secret though…it’s nothing new!  Your grandmother, great-grandmother, church elder, and get this…your BIBLE will tell you the same things Steve did.  He just put it in a matter-of-factly sort of way.  I’m about to go biblical on you for a minute so that you get where Steve was coming from.  Some of you didn’t go to church on Sunday anyway, so here’s your Sunday school lesson:

Men haven’t changed much since the days of Adam.  Although men were created to lead, they will forsake all they know for a woman.  They work out, play sports, work, dress, lie, cry, and live to impress women.  The problem is that we women have made “the cookie” too available.   We’ve morphed into modern-day Jezebels, abandoning the virtues of Rachel and Ruth.  Rachel and Ruth were pursued by their men, and didn’t need a book or movie to attract them.  In fact, they did nothing!  They allowed men to do what they were made to do, and that was to find a wife (Proverbs 18:22).

By injecting ourselves into the process, we’ve allowed men to become lazy and non-committal.  Now our “Eve” nature is to be controlling and tell a man what to do (see Genesis chapter 3), and because of her sin, we bear her curse.  Painful childbirth isn’t the only thing we inherited, we also carry her controlling nature.  We were designed to help and accompany, not control or scheme.  God never intended for women to put men through college, find them jobs, do their homework, give them sex prior to marriage, be their side pieces, jump offs, friends with benefits or go half on ANYTHING.    We too, have conformed to lying, crying, working, dressing, working out and living to impress men.  And as we all know, it doesn’t matter how good you look, how good your sex is or how nice you are when it comes to keeping a man.  1 Peter chapter 3 states that inner beauty will make us beautiful, and that our virtues will make us attractive.  Virtuous women have standards (see Proverbs 31).

Another theme in Harvey’s book rings true “A man defines himself by what he makes, what he has and who he is.  In the movie, I love how each male character changed for the better.  Not because their women prodded them, but because they were left alone to think about what they truly wanted.  Once they became aware of self and what they needed to fix, they were husband material.  Relationships will always be difficult for a man who isn’t sure of who he is or what he wants.  Notice I said MAN.  Men who have no goals, nothing to call their own, no purpose or no work ethic aren’t men; they’re still boys.  See Project Boo post for details on these type of guys.

As good as the movie was (yes I’m still thinking about Michael licking Taraji’s knees and that good cooking), in real life, the turn around time isn’t that fast.  That “wait and see” method doesn’t work, and neither does taking on the role of his mother!  In short, if you have a man who doesn’t have his stuff together, there isn’t much you can do.  Thinking like a man won’t help.  What will help, is you setting and sticking to your standards, even if that means being by yourself.  Stop this main chick, side piece, dime piece, wifey, bed buddy madness.  Act like a lady and think like one!

Your Slow, Super Efficient Guide to Weight Loss – Part II

Spring is almost here!  Before you know it, it’ll be time to pack those sweaters away and put on those pretty skirts, dresses and shorts.  And for you guys, not too much of a change-up in wardrobe I know, but we do have one thing in common.

We ALL want to be slimmer when the weather gets warmer!  We feel better about ourselves and how we look in our clothes when we shed a few pounds.  Equipped with our new year’s resolution and gym membership, we’re on track to have a beach body by summer.  But is it really feasible to do so in 4 months?

It all depends.  It depends on what you are eating, how much weight you need to lose, if you are exercising and if you are consistent with your eating and exercise regime.  I’ve learned several things since I last blogged about weight loss, and I want to share them with you:

  1. Stop believing the infomercials and fitness ads.  There is no pill, powder, shake or liquid that is going to instantly make you look the way you want.  We have to realize there are no short cuts.  Furiouspete123 on youtube has a video that exposes advertisements on weight loss gimmicks.  Most of those commercials are shot in the same day.  The models bloat themselves after taking the “results” pictures.  Know this: if you are not going to put in the work a pill or potion won’t help, especially not for the long term.  I used to think I needed extra protein to build muscle and a fatburner to lose flab.  Since I’m what’s called an ecto-endo body type (skinny-flabby), I don’t build muscle very well.  I was eating the suggested amount of protein (1 gram per pound), so I was consuming roughly 120-180 grams of protein per day.  What I didn’t realize is that the protein wasn’t metabolizing because I wasn’t doing enough cardio. I ended up gaining weight instead of losing it, even though I was firmer from lifting weights.  Protein helps with muscle-building but not necessarily with weight loss.  So I was building muscle but not losing any weight, and my goal was to do both.  I thought about using a fatburner but they scare me.  The few times I tried them I experienced a racy heart and insomnia from the caffeine.  I’ve conceded to the fact that I need to run more, even though I hate it with a passion.  But the old ways are truly the best ways, and I’ve noticed a difference already.  I’ve increased my cardio from two days to four.  I am now aiming for five.
  2. Don’t underestimate how hard it is to lose weight and to maintain your goal weight.  I just finished “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There” By Marshall GoldSmith (I’ll do a book review in another post) and he did an excellent analysis on goal setting and goal achievement.  He applied his principles to weight loss and listed the following reasons why people do not succeed in their weight loss goals: time, effort, distractions, rewards and maintenance.  According to GoldSmith (best-selling author, business professor at Dartmouth and top executive coach), these 5 reasons are commonly underestimated and are ultimately why we fail at our weight lost goals.  My achillies heel had been time, effort and distractions.  But no more!
  3. My Fitness Pal.  It’s an app you can download on your phone.  After you download and create an account, you plug in your current weight and your goal weight.  It then tells you how many calories you are allowed each day based on how many pounds you want to lose per week. I lost about 3 pounds last week!  My fitness pal is great for me because I can also see what nutrients I need to get in before the day is out.  It also made me aware of how much dining out was a hinderance to my progress.  I know I promised pictures but I accidentally erased my November pictures when I restored my computer to factory condition (I forgot to back up years worth of pictures and my favorites). I will put some up though, I promise!  I’ve put on some muscle but I  have quite a ways to go…wish me luck!

I’d like to close this post with the picture below.  I got it from my friends RawTwins on facebook.  If we would take the time to eat properly, we’d be 70% to goal.  Instead of stopping off at a fast food place after a long day’s work, I now take cucumbers, carrots and grapes to work and make sure I am drinking 80 to 100 ounces of water per day.  That’s only 5 to 7 water bottles!  You can do it!  Remember, what you put inside yourself is a reflection of who you are!

-KB

You Are What You Eat - Courtesy of RawTwins

Are You On The Balcony Or In The Basement?

Be like the goldfish "Carpe diem!"

When I came across the analogy of balcony verses basement people I was immediately intrigued.  Judy Landorf, author of Balcony People, used an interesting metaphor comparing balcony and basement people to the likes of living in a fishbowl.  In her analogy two-thirds of life is at the bottom, in the murk and grime of the bowl.  Remaining forms of life are at the top.  Basement people are in the murky water and balcony people in the clear.

To piggyback off Landorf, we can metaphorically compare basement people to scavengers.  They wait for opportunity to come to them.  They settle for what’s left and will fight for scraps.  If you know anything about scavengers you know they always operate in survivor mode.  Since two-thirds of the population is at the bottom, one can expect slim pickings.  This is probably why there is so much trickery, back-stabbing, clawing and scratching in the world.  Crabs in a barrel!

Basement people are pessimistic.  They are uncertain of their future because they can’t see through the murk of their environment. They feel like they’ve been denied opportunity and never caught a break.  In fact, they feel oppressed.  Ironically their sense of oppression makes them oppressors.  They will tell you that you can’t or you shouldn’t because they wouldn’t.  They do not realize they are mentally bound and their way of thinking is the only reason why they are at the bottom.   Basement people lack the ability to break free from mental bondage because they do not have confidence or faith.  They will not be genuinely happy for you and will offer little support.  Their discouraging behavior stems from their fear of you changing and leaving them behind.

Balcony people are just the opposite.  They are go-getters!  They will not wait for opportunity to fall in their laps.  Like fish swimming to the top of the bowl when food hits the water, balcony people jump on opportunity.  Since there’s room at the top there is plenty to choose from and plenty to go around.  There is no reason to fight, scheme or manipulate.  Seeking higher ground gives balcony people a clearer vision.   They are confident in themselves and do not need to take from others to be happy or to survive.  Balcony people are ambitious, supportive and encouraging.  They will be your biggest fans because they know their success comes at their own hands and that the harvest is ripe.

Balcony and basement people both have the power of transference.  When you associate with people who complain and are complacent you will start to see life from their point of view.  If you fortify your circle with people who are inspirational and optimistic you will share their sentiments.  Basement people are toxic and should be not be allowed space in your head, heart, or life.

Before you start cleaning house on your facebook friends list and unfollowing folks on twitter, examine your own heart.  We often don’t see our own flaws because we are mentally bound ourselves.  Ask yourself these questions:

  1. Are you self-motivated?
  2. Are you genuinely happy for others and supportive of their ambitions?
  3. Do you wait or make opportunity?
  4. Are you confident in yourself and is your faith strong?
  5. Are you part of the problem or part of the solution?

Ten Types of People You Should Avoid Dating

Picking a mate can be like picking produce.  You first check for rotten spots on the outside. Then you squeeze to feel if it’s solid and ripe.  If it’s too soft it is starting to spoil, and if it’s too hard it is not ripe.  Either way it would not be a quality purchase.

This list can serve as an inspection technique in dating.  If your potential partner matches the descriptions below…retreat!

  1. The Bell Hop.  This type of person carries more baggage than a conveyor belt.  They hold on to everything!  They weren’t their parents’ favorite.  They weren’t popular.  They weren’t the most attractive.  They couldn’t play sports.  They always got dumped or cheated on.  Woe is me, Woe is me.  Woe will be you too, because they have the power of transference.  “Bags, sir/madam?”
  2. The Rebounder.  This guy or girl will always “just” be coming out of a relationship.  Always!  They believe the best way to get over their ex is to move on to the next.  Since they haven’t taken the time to clear their mind and hearts they won’t be free to love.  How will you know?  You will hear more about their ex than you will anything else!
  3. The Repeat Offender.  Once you date someone who justifies breaking the law, know that you are dating someone who has a mentality of justifying other wrongdoings.  Please know that it is not wise to date an habitual crime committer.  They may have good intentions on changing, but often times their intentions do not come to fruition.  People who truly want to change will do so on their own.  They NEED to do so on their own.  Trust me; I know what I’m talking about!
  4. The Baby Daddy/Mama (the immature parent).   Dating someone who has kids is tricky because you have to see what type of relationship they have with their ex.  It also depends how young the child is and how long the couple has been apart.  If there are unresolved issues, drama will surely follow.  If you are a woman dating a man with kids his income may decrease with child support or/and alimony.  Both sexes have to factor in being a parental figure and building a relationship with the ex (if they are present).  A good indicator in dating someone with kids is the peace level in their lives with you in it.  If drama already exists then it’s a no-brainer.
  5. The Floater/Free Spirit.  This person is unable to commit to anything.  Always changing jobs.  Always changing friends.  Always moving. Always finding fault and never finishing anything.  If something is always wrong with everyone else, something will be wrong with you!
  6. The Victim.  Another “woe is me” person.  The difference between the bell hop and the victim is the victim will have deeper psychological issues.  Bell hops will stand up for themselves and leave a bad situation whereas victims will endure long-suffering.  Victims usually devalue themselves and are attention seekers.  If you continue to date the victim, prepare to see signs of obsession, depression or hear suicidal comments.  This person needs a friend not a relationship.  And professional help!
  7. The “Aholic”.  This person works too much, parties too much, drinks too much, gambles too much, is on the internet too much, etc.  In short they are addicted to something.  That addiction may be harmless on the surface but it consumes their thoughts and hearts.  The aholic will genuinely like you but they will love the addiction!
  8. The “!”  This person is extreme, over the top and overly passionate.  At some point they will blow up, freak out, spaz out, jap out, and go ham all at once.  You will get a snippet of their extreme behavior over something they are passionate about or take personally.  If you are not the object of that first uncontrollable fit you will be in the near future.
  9. The Pinocchio (compulsive liar).  This type of person can tell some tales!  Everyone has lied at some point in their lives and will probably tell more before they die.  The Pinocchio is in on a completely different level.  Their lies make no sense, serve no purpose, and have no merit.  You will hear them talking to someone else and they will start lying for no reason or to make themselves sound more accomplished than they really are.   I dated a compulsive liar and asked him why he would lie so much.  His response was “to see if people will believe me!”
  10. The Project Boo.  This type of person is like a piece of clay.  Ready to be molded and upgraded at your expense.  See my last post for more details.

Beware of the Project Boo

Courtesy of Getty Images

Are you dating a project boo?  Despite how it sounds, a project boo has nothing to do with low-income housing stereotypes.  A project boo is a potential mate that needs a complete overhaul.  On the surface it seems like they are great prospects because they are fun to be around.  You fall for them before you realize they have a lot of baggage.  Hence the project boo.  Being with them will be a project; you will constantly be working on their shortcomings.

Project boos are great people.  They are usually attractive, pleasant and charming.  In fact it is their charm and attractiveness that distracts you from realizing that they are pretty packages of hot garbage!  The funny thing about a project boo is they are unaware of their flaws or don’t care to fix them.  They get along just fine.  But if you dig deep, you are sure to find that their getting along has come at the hands of soft parenting, their ability to manipulate people, and misuse of credit.  Before you know it you’re fixing their credit, attire, mentality, and living arrangement.  Congratulations on your new bundle of work!

Project boo relationships come to a crash and burn ending.  You may have an awakening and realize you want the project to end.  He or she may not go peacefully as they have become quite comfortable with being the benefactor of your efforts.  On the flip side, your project boo may initiate the end as well.  They may grow tired of your molding tactics and begin to rebel.  By upgrading them, you’ve increased their sense entitlement.  This may have been a given for them their whole lives, but believe me when I say you have only made it worse.  They will start to lose respect for you, resent you or cheat.  Now you have to make a decision.  If you decide to break up with them you’ve lost precious time, money and energy.  If you stay you will enable your project boo to continue their bad behavior.  Once they see that you are hooked, things will only get worse.

My dear sweet friends, beware of the project boo!  Project boos are dangerous!  They don’t really know what they want.  They don’t know who they are, where they are headed and have very little to offer.  They are completely oblivious to the fact that they are ill prepared to be in a relationship.   The only thing they know is that they are single and ready to mingle (heck these days, some project boos are NOT single)!  The most important thing to remember about a project boo is their desire to mingle blinds their ability to realize they are unprepared to be in a healthy relationship.  The distinguishing mark all project boos carry is they have more problems than plans and are quick to allow you to “help”.  Once you get past the attraction and see the mess, R-U-N!

Five Qualifications Needed on Your Date and Mate Checklist

Have you ever been told that you should have a list of qualities you desire in a mate?  A potential suitor asked me that the other day and I declined to disclose.  I feel it’s better to let a person show you who they are.  For the most part, people serious about settling down are looking for the same things.  Time will reveal if they meet the qualifications.  Yes qualifications!  Those are what qualities are right?  If they don’t meet them, they get the ax!

Do you have a list of qualities or need one?  Well I wanted to share my top five.  They are:

  1. Values.  There is a scripture that says: “A house divided against itself cannot stand”.  This is true when it comes to building a solid foundation, starting a family and weathering the storms.  In the beginning you need to value the same things and stay true to those values.  As time goes on your values will be tested.  If the will to work together isn’t there, kiss your relationship goodbye.  In most cases relationships are built on the physical.   By the time people realize they do not value the same things, it’s too late.  Many marriages and relationships end bitterly because once the physical attraction fades, there is no substance.
  2. Character.  This stems from common values.  Your mate should be a strong reflection of what you value.  What confuses me about some people is they’ll say they want a person of good character, then will date men or women who mistreat people, who are vain, insecure, irresponsible, or unprepared.  Some people can change when they fall in love but that’s a risky gamble.  You will soon realize you do not have a relationship but a high-risk, low reward project.  Good luck with that!
  3. Chemistry.  Physical attraction is only a small part of chemistry.  You can have chemistry with a person who is not necessarily physically attractive.  I’m not saying that physical attraction isn’t important but it shouldn’t be the main driver.  Have you ever sat with someone who just blew you away with their intellect, humor, confidence, ambition or talent?  These qualities stimulate more than just your libido.  With time and age beauty will fade.  What’s tight and ripped will become loose , stretched and flabby.  I’d much rather be with someone who has a captivating presence than a figure head.   Dig deeper than the surface!
  4. Goals.  If you are a day-to-day person, date a day-to-day person.  If you are goal driven look for someone who is the same.  Why?  Because at some point your opposite will irk you with their complacency or ignore you with their chase for achievement.  If you have your own goals or can help your mate with theirs, you’ll have more to share.  If both of you are day-to-day people, spontaneity will spark your relationship.  And if you have the same goals, imagine how deeper the connection will grow once you start to achieve them together!
  5. Wisdom.  This is where you will have to watch how they handle stress, how they treat people and how they approach life.  Do they get medically depressed when life comes at them?  Do they display signs of uncontrollable jealousy or rage?  Do they seek to get revenge or rectify conflict?  Do they lack common sense or speak profoundly?  Do they practice what they preach?  I believe a wise person seeks help when in need, can receive constructive criticism, and keeps a positive outlook on life.  They understand that they are not perfect and don’t expect you to be.  In fact, they bring out the best in you because they know what to say and when to say it.  They are perceptive, encouraging and caring.  They may not make the best decisions all the time but most of the time they are dead on.  Wisdom cannot be bought or taught.  Wisdom is the use of divine understanding and knowledge.  It is easy to distinguish a wise person from a foolish one.  Foolish people will show themselves if you give them time.  However if you are caught up in good looks, sex, or are preoccupied with a “project” then you will not be able to distinguish their foolishness from flaw.  None of us are perfect, but we all have good to offer.  If a person lacks in most of these qualities they are not long-term material.  Be wise enough to realize that!